Twi-ku for Twi-hards
Midnight Show:
The Moon turning her back
on “Eclipse”
by Karma Tenzing Wangchuk
The Eclipse is coming…and we’ve got to keep the loonies on the path.
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The People’s Finger of Justice
Us peoples of the Homeland sure are resilient cave dwellers.
The BushBama depression that started with Reagan, but wasn’t fully implemented until Clinton, has not caused a Homeland wide cancellation of Comcast cable subscriptions. There have been reports of Homelandians blaming Kenya, Haiti and Guatemala for our troubles…but that would be par for the course stupid.
You can take our homes, our jobs, our clean air/water, our dignity, our pensions and even send us to war against religious fanatics, who hated our freedoms and treated their women poorly…and we’ll pretty much just watch teevee.
But tell us our caveman era fantasies that involve getting laid in space are just not going to happen? Screw you NASA! We’ve spent the last 6000 years battling dinosaurs, Muslims and libruls, you government hacks will not take away our hairy monkey-like, sex in space!
What the hell’s next? Yet more hand jobs for Wall Street? How about searching for Russian spies in our midst…and then finding them? Perhaps we should hand over the failed corporate wars on brown-skinned, cave dwelling Muslims to Petraeus the Faint?
Hey! While we’re getting close to falling off the Afghan cliff of empire ending death, that we knew was there, we might as well just build Bush a fucking library. A fornicating Bush library, will be the closest thing to us brave Homelandians fucking in space…that we’ll ever get.
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No Draft in Spanish Means Xe
Leon Panetta went on the airwaves of the Homeland today and as per usual, the fruit flavored douche water leaking out of Leon’s vagina was quite the distraction.
Jake Tapper the distracted news reader was so…distracted, that he forgot to ask Leon how he felt about the Bristol Palin performance as an unwed teen mother (as if!) on The Secret Life of the American Teenager.
FYI; my sources at AT&T confirm that Leon absolutely loved
Bristol’s performance!
When Leon and his fruity vagina are not busy lying about the CIA’s involvement in torture, WMD’s or nation killing, they’re busy trying to protect themselves from pissed off Generals like the fired McChrystal.
It would be fair to assume that Stan knows too much.
Far, far too much.
It would also be fair to assume that Stan was trying to tell you peoples of the Homeland…some of the very same things I’ve been trying to tell you. Are you sitting down? Are your pants on? Great. Stan was trying to send you a message about the failed Obama wars in Vietghanistan and Iraq.
Erik Prince and his Blackwater are needed, because you lazy patriots are not having to fight for Palin’s affection…she’ll just give it to you.
Blackwater is needed because many of your stop-lossed troops will not do the things…that Blackwater will.
Blackwater is needed because Iran is next and we need people who will do things for 100 grand per year, that most of your stop-lossed troops will not do…for 24 grand per year.
Blackwater is needed because the VA is no place to be…when you’re dealing with PTSD.
Xe in Spanish does not mean Jesus, it means profit and…no draft.
Conservatives are conserving nothing.
Democrats are selling what’s left.
Public apathy enables leaders to ignore voters…
Their God hates your God, just as your God hates their God.
My God brings green beer to everyone in March.
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Iran is Harboring the Tali-Whales
As recently reported here at the Lens, the whales have been spotted in Tehran, where rumor has it, the whales are helping Iran build nuclear weapons.
According to the DIA, the CIA, the FBI, the FAA, the PGA, FEMA and the OPP, the whales are preparing to rain death down from above, in the form of a mushroom cloud, from below…this of course would then become the much-anticipated smoking gun.
Anonymous reports from the Intelligence community, indicate that the Tali-Whales could strike the Homeland today, tomorrow, next month to anytime in the next 21 years or so.
Sources say that Iowa, Oklahoma, North Idaho and the entire states of Arizona and Utah, are vulnerable to the Tali-Whale attacks. If you live near a lake, pond or large water feature…like a fountain, Homeland Security is advising that you not bathe. Then, lock yourself in a safe dry place, like a closet or an upstairs bedroom. Bring plenty of duct-tape, plastic sheeting and stay away from sinks, toilets and showers…whales, water…bombs…got it? Good.
Near the Pentagon
Meanwhile…reporting from somewhere near the Pentagon, US sources have told NBC’s Jim Miklaszewski a whole bunch of shit.
Turd #1. Israel is preparing to strike Gaza in response to the Iranian/Tali-Whale Jihad.
Turd #2. Veterans are highly respected and cared for in the Homeland.
Turd #3. Rolling Stone magazine is harboring whales and Iranians and is full of retarded liars who ruined a good mans career. Minus the whole torture thing…yeah, that’s on Stanley.
Turd#4. The lack of Homelandians able to retire has nothing to do with expensive, decade long occupations. Homelandians are lazy pricks…everyone knows this.
Turd #5. Your breakfast cereal is as healthy for you as Jack Daniel’s, but marijuana will kill you.
Turd #6. Pat Tillman if he were alive today, would thank General McChrystal. For everything.
Thanks Pentagon Miklaszewski!
Stay Vigilant everyone and remember, whales have been nothing but trouble since like, forever.
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Whales are not Fish
Evil Doer prior to Waterboarding
We fight the whales under there so we don’t have to fight them in Nebraska.
The Whales have been waging a fairly deadly war of attrition against Japan for some time now. Now the whales are coming for us because they hate our freedoms, but they also enjoy the taste of the discharge that flows from our waste water treatment facilities.
If Freud were a whale, he’d be a sperm whale…mainly because Orca’ are Neo-Freudian and have you ever seen a sperm whale imprisoned at Seaworld?
These are indeed…very confusing times.
To add to all this confusion, the war on the Taliban does not go well. The Taliban who are not al Qaeda–are now just making fun of us and Petraeus the Faint. Iran, North Korea and Mexico, mock us on a daily basis. Toss in Iceland and the food chain poisoning whales…and you’ve got nothing but chaos!
President Obama, the Pentagon and Halliburton are doing all that can be expected of them. The British Petroleum leak of volcanic proportions in the Gulf? Think General McChrystal, whales and war. McChrystal was fucking brilliant…and rumor control has it, a brilliant fucker as well.
Peace will not be won in a solar powered city. Peace must be fought for by the unemployed, the uninsured and the indentured until Jesus returns and or we beat the whales.
The battle will be long and deadly for some. For others, not so much!
Life in the Homeland will soon get tougher. The Taliban are laughing, the whales are meeting in Tehran and if you thought that calamari sucked before, just give the McChrystal/BP Gulf of Illegal Mexico plan some time to work.
Get a hobby, watch out for whales and keep in mind…we owe
you nothing.
Kabul Kabuki
Today’s Afghan Freedom Fighters, were yesterday’s CIA, Reagan and Rep. Norm Dicks funded…Afghan Freedom Fighters. Some of the faces have changed, but the money has stayed the same. Former General Stanley McChrystal knows of what I speak.
Bud Light Lime drinking generals are a dime a dozen…to prove this point, Obama has inserted another Bud Light Lime drinking general, to replace the previous one. Some refer to him as Petraeus, ‘the Master of the failed Iraq Surge’. Some Admirals call him an ass-kissing little chickenshit.
In my best, plain southern Indiana English, I can only offer this…’Hey what’s that over there? A squirrel? Which translated means…it’s the wars, sheeple.
The wars on you, drugs, brown people, education, the environment and common sense, have cost us so much. But it makes Boeing and Blackwater so much more!!
For a good long read on the wars and you…go here. John Grant has called it, ‘It’s the war, stupid.’
For a shorter, punctuation rule free version, written in the classical southern Indiana style…try my ‘It’s the wars, stupids,’ written last Spring. When translated, you will either come to the conclusion that it’s all Kabuki, or at the very least, Stanley McChrystal has gone over the wall.
Stand in my way
And I’ll run you straight through
There’s no one to stop me now
For I’m on the loose
And I’m ready to start
Torture and hell on this town
OVER THE WALL !!!!!!!!
If you see Stanley headed in your general direction…offer him a couple of Bud Light Limes. Then tell some fart jokes and you’re well on your way to becoming a Colonel.
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The Future is Like K-Fed
Future is Bright Yo
The future is looking better! This morning I woke up, fell out a bed and dragged a comb across my head, then I found my way downstairs and drank a cup and noticed that Obama was going to end homelessness!
So I read the news about a man who’d made the grade and though the news was rather sad…I just had to laugh! I saw the photograph…
So I guess he blew his mind out in a car. He didn’t notice that the war on terror had changed. A crowd of apathetic people stood and stared…they’d seen his face before…nobody was really sure if he was from the House of Bush.
I saw a film today, oh boy! The humans had just saved Avatar! A crowd of people then turned away, but you know? I just had to look…having read the Homeland approved book. Then I thought I’d love to turn you on? Weird.
Found my coat and grabbed my hat, drove my 380hp truck to 60, in seconds flat. Found my way to I-5 and sat, somebody flipped me off and I went into a dream….
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