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Final Score – Clooney 158 and The Rest of Us 67

January 30, 2012

George Clooney is a lot like Kevin Costner – in that neither of them starred in Avatar.

When I saw Avatar, I was certain that Costner was in it, even though I’d just watched it without him in it.  Having just watched The Descendants with a roomful of swooning 67- year-olds…I was certain that Don Johnson was in it, even though I had just watched it…which is when I realized that Cheech Marin wasn’t in it either.

So either Tin Cup was the best movie ever made, or…Clooney’s just that fucking good!

In my local theater, The Descendants caused the eyes of many of the gathered 67-year-olds, to swell shut with tears not seen since President Bush opened the internment camps for the Spanish Speakers.  Once I’d gotten over my disappointment about the lack of any speaking roles for Don Johnson or Cheech Marin in this film…I too teared up, because the gathered 67-year-olds do not cry over Obama’s internment camps for the Spanish Speakers. 

But yes, my heartstrings were being pulled, tugged and gently massaged in such a manner – that I felt as if Meryl Streep herself!…had slathered my popcorn with the life-ending oils of Monsanto’s Arts Division.

I was also semi-emotional, due to my inability to stop wondering how much Patricia Hastie might have made…for lying motionless in a bed for about 110 minutes of this 115 minute movie.  Could not Cheech or Don have done this too?

Spoiler alert here folks.  There’s good news, Big Lebowski news and bad news ahead.

The Lebowski news is that Beau Bridges’ role as Cousin Hugh, was clearly turned down by his brother Jeff.  There can only be
one ‘Dude’ – Beau.

The good news is that Shailene Woodley, the actress who plays Clooney’s daughter…is like 20 years old.  In other words, don’t sweat the bikini scenes too much.

The bad news?  Hawaii is still being occupied by the same people who occupied Mt. Rushmore, Iraq and Cancun.

I guess we’ll just have to leave the decision-making as to which movie is this years best, to the pale professionals at the AMPA.  My money’s on Water World, Costner’s epic 1995 post-apocalyptic film, which I think was about a mailman who lost his sweet caretaker gig in Hawaii, and then hiked to Metaline Falls near Spokane, Washington…to deliver the mail?

If forced to make a semi-serious prediction for this years awards…I’d go with Clooney for Best actor, an honorable mention to The Tree of Life for best craft services, with the Best Actress going to the bed that held Patricia Hastie.

Thus ends the yearly movie review/Oscar predictions here at the Lens.  I’ll leave you with this thought about The Descendants.  Is it somehow connected to Nash Bridges?  And if not, why the hell not?

Final score…George Clooney 158 and the rest of us 67.  Obviously.


  1. click permalink
    June 7, 2012 11:56

    A good number of these messages on this article look like junk, You should delete them. The site is uninteresting. Daily life proceeds.


    • June 7, 2012 13:04

      Coming from a Spambot – I find your comment about as relevant as the shit stain in Kevin Costner’s underwear. Unless…you’re Kevin. Then well, the shit stain would be all that more interesting.

      I’m fairly confident that George Clooney and or Liz Cheney – have said the same thing.


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