For The Rest of Us
There is Festivus. I’ve already performed the AOG, The Airing of Grievances and I am currently engaged in the Feats of Strength portion of the holiday.
Gather round your poles everyone and Happy Festivus!
Those of you that require an explanation for everything, see below.
Kentucky?
Beer Muscles
Are what some guys get after four too many. They are led to believe by their beer soaked brain, that they can take on anyone, anywhere at anytime.
This time it’s sideburns guy, taking on one of Seattle’s smartest street gangs, The Queen Anne Hill Sledders. Not only will they hurl insults and make fun of you…they also carry video cams and know about YouTube.
You have made my day, Seattle Sideburns Guy!
Via The Slog.
*Update, looks like YouTube has removed the video. Snooze you lose I guess. YouTube protector of the inebriated!
Your TV is Going to Die
If you are one of the over 30 million Americans who still use a tin foil covered coat hanger or antenna to suck in NASCAR and The View to your TV, your mind will soon be free to think on it’s own, as of February 18th.
This will be, “the day antenna’s stopped working.” I’m confident this will also be the name of the Tom Cruise or Will Ferrell movie, depicting the end of antenna times.
If we’re lucky, 10 to 12 million Americans will never figure out why their TV’s stopped working. That would be a good thing. Yes, they’ll blame Obama or Mexicans, but really, who cares?
The down side to this would be that none of the affected, will get to see Karl Rove on trial.
I Want My MTV
Back…
Ratings are king and MTV’s ratings are dropping faster than Sarah Palins pretend friends. Variety says MTV will attempt to stop the bleeding by introducing 16 new reality shows. Not four, not seven, sixteen.
Brian Graden, MTV’s president of entertainment said this, “Our new shows will feature themes of affirmation and accomplishment.” I say, who hired this hillbilly? You people act like this is hemorrhoid surgery. Really Brian, once you get past the shock of what you’re looking at, it’s still just an asshole with pimples.
Here’s what you do Brian. Take Ashton Kutcher, Paris Hilton and the cast of The Hill and you embed them as media in Iraq, Afghanistan and Detroit. You’ll get reality and you’ll certainly get your affirmation and accomplishment themes.
Or…just play some God damn videos.
The Ken Starr Sexual Healing Tour 2008
Just when you thought it was safe to think about oral sex and blue dresses again, Kenneth Starr “comes” out of his repressed sexual closet to give us a new racy manifesto on gay sex. Look for Ken to fill this new manifesto on gay marriage with explicit descriptions and photos, thousands of them. Because Ken Starr and The Mormon Church are as fucked up as you think they are. You can read more about Ken, The Mormon Church and their desires, here and here.
What the hell’s next? Professor John Yoo offering legal advise to prisoners at Guantanamo?
Get some help Ken.
In Utero
Jim Bob and Michelle have just had their 18th child. Jim Bob says they should be in utero, God willing, by tomorrow.
God does works in mysterious ways and has evidently blessed Jim Bob with no real sense, what so ever.
In fact, he was born scentless and senseless. A scentless apprentice.
