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The Blue Tarp Manifesto

May 4, 2012

Most of the humans in my shallow gene pool belong to the Blue Tarp Tribes of northern Michigan, Kentucky, and may Joseph Stalin help us – Florida.  There are small bands of us in Indiana, Baaston and the French-speaking areas of Canadia.  Needless to say – we talk funny, and if God hadn’t invented the spell checker on my email machine…I’d still be buying my porn in a brown paper bag in downtown Spokane.

Now just imagine that I’m probably the lone self-appointed “smart” one.  I may have traveled more and not married my cousin…but the blue tarp is still strong with me.

My name isn’t Earl – but there are about 194 million Randy’s with us…

Earl’s Randy, is as good a reason as any, as to why we’ll never crack the secret clique of the two-party system.  We’ll never occupy our way to justice, affordable healthy food, or even see a Bush family member pay for what they’ve done.

Sure we can blame Randy and my blue tarp people for many of our ills.  For example, I still, haven’t found a magic, email machine button that places, a  fornicating fucking comma, where it’s needed…not where, it’s wanted.  Of course I skipped English in every state I went to school in.  But this is why in addition to my email machine…about 14 minutes later – God went ahead and created Arizona too.

The blue tarp of freedom covered my roof, carried my stuff and at times – acted as a contraceptive.  Like Chuck Norris says, safe sex isn’t always smart…or even enjoyable.

I’m the self-appointed “smart” one.

We of the great Blue Tarp Tribes eked out livings as janitors, mechanics, addicts and criminals.  Hey…don’t knock it till you’ve tried it.

There was always plenty of canned beans, Spam and squirrel to eat, but never enough beer and cigarettes.  But at some point in our history, Reagan’s full diaper trickled down upon us, and changed all of that for the better.

These days, many of my people still salute the flag, but they don’t know how to read it. They can’t afford the beans, or the Spam, and the squirrel’s have all gone the way of the polar bear.  Our blue tarps have been replaced with camouflaged colored ones – a backhanded salute to our never-ending wars on any motherfucking thing we feel like.

None of us have retirements, health care or dental…but at least our conservative pals in the party of Democrats – keep us in strangely affordable…cigarettes, beer and satellite teevee.

My friends in the Occupy movement wonder why not much is changing.  My friends in the anti-war movement wondered the same thing.  My friends and family under their camouflaged tarps, don’t wonder about anything beyond the skin color of Kim Kardashian and or her ass.

Maybe we self-appointed smart ones…is aren’t aint so smart?

When only seven people show up to block coal trains, don’t blame your message delivery system – blame the semi-breathable air.

Maybe I should have given Hüsker Dü a chance…

When a handful of terrified kids at Sullfolk University first find out about Obama’s National Defense Authorization Act, they’re understandably horrified.  When you then remind then of Bush’s Patriot Acts, torture and wars for Lockheed Martin with no end…you can almost see the Kardashian glaze come over them.

When the kids in black break the windows of Nike…while wearing Nike’s, don’t blame Nike, blame Clinton’s gun removal program.  Or Reagan’s diaper.  It doesn’t really matter.

I should have pledged my allegiance…much harder.

When Obama’s Guantanamo and the rule of law is enforced upon us…but not the ‘forward‘ thinkers, go ahead and blame MoveOn.org, not the idiot rubes of the Teabanging Party.

Have you just found out about Homeland Security and it’s desire to invade your National Parks?  Thanks for your concern…but it’s already too late.  See the glorious Homeland Sector near you for more.  And then kill your Twitter account.

Pesticide-free shade grown coffee and Spanish-free picked apples – though rare, do happen.

Huh.  Maybe my Blue Tarp Tribe had it right along.  Sure they’re inbred half-wits who fear skin color more than the end of Spam’s affordability…  But I’m certain, that when the Starbucks and Costco’s are all gone, there won’t be much room
under our impervious to everything
now fancy and camouflaged colored
the big-blue tarp of phreedum.

Hope you enjoyed the Blue Tarp Manifesto.
I know a few of my cousins did.
We wish y’all good luck.

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