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Money for Nothing and Chicks for Free

April 26, 2010

Money for Nothing

I am seriously considering quitting.

In this country of rabid cult followers and couch bound Ichiro dwellers, I could be the next great quitter to pretend that the voices in my head were worthy of worship.  Since the voices in my head are indeed worthy of worship, they would also be expensive.

As an aside, I’m guessing Ichiro would have to take a huge pay cut, or go back to the Dominican Republic where he belongs.

Here’s the plan.  I quit, then I take over the teevee, radio, the tubes of the internets and the ridiculously outdated media that are newspapers and Newsweek…where I will speak my mind and many will froth at the mouth while they listen to the well paid voices in my head.

I will expect to get paid 195 thousand dollars for showing up to any event.  If I speak, it’ll cost you double.

Someone else will write a book for me, filled with shit I didn’t actually do and I will be paid 5.5 million dollars for it.  A second book will be attempted for 29 thousand dollars and it will fail miserably.

There will be an awesome bus that I will pretend to tour the country with and my wisdom will be plastered on the sides of it.  Obviously I’ll be traveling via a corporate sponsored, private jet of freedom, piloted by John Travolta.

At some point, Boeing, Raytheon, the CIA and NBC will decide it’s time for me to be President.  I will be voted into office by a huge minority of the peoples.  I will end the wars in Vietghanistan, Pakistan, Iraq and Mexico and immediately invade Nova Scotia, Iceland and Genovia, so that I may wed Princess Thermopolis.

I’ll pay for the new wars by cutting taxes on the rich, closing schools, union busting and by lowering the minimum wage to 32 cents an hour.  Any remaining Taco Bell jobs will be sent overseas.

The Democrats will be blamed for all of it.  They will then pout, stamp their feet and threaten me with yet another Representative John Conyers letter of scary take no action filled stuff.

Torturing people to death will be marketed and re-branded as being almost like a stay at a Motel 6.  And it will work.

Then I’ll blame the Democrats.

When a fairly famous film maker keeps making film, after film, after film, after Goddamn film…showing you peoples the truth about all of the criminal misdeeds being done to you by me and mine, he will be discredited by calling him a fat, disheveled traitor who cherry picks the bad stuff.  And it will work.

His fat movies of treachery, will then only be shown in towns with a population of 8 thousand or less.

When all is said and done, I’ll be rich and you’ll be broken.  Then I’ll blame the Democrats and raise the terrorist threat level thingy to mauve, or something.

Enjoy your Monday.  Work harder.
Watch for my book.
Buy several of them.

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  1. Jim permalink
    April 28, 2010 13:25

    lmao @ wisdom on the tour bus. Wisdom like “Stuff fuckin sucks and makes Hulk angry”


    • lens1 permalink*
      April 28, 2010 13:46

      I think Bill Bixby and Todd Palin may have more in common than we will ever know. Or ever really want to know…

      Todd's angry


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